It's been two weeks since I left the farm. I know you might be wondering why I left. Well, some things are better kept to myself and those I've entrusted with such classified information. To give you an incredibly brief version, my husband and I are temporarily separated while we figure out what's next for our marriage. I'm now approximately 1500 miles away, wandering the desert (literally) in sunny Phoenix, Arizona. I'm blessed to be surrounded but a great community, yet I still find myself longing for the farm. The farm is still there, the animals are still being well cared for, and I hope to someday be reunited with my animals once again.
I miss the farm, I really do. I think about it daily.. hourly. I'm a farm girl deep in the core of who I am. I find myself visiting a dear friend's local dairy farm almost weekly. I get to meet fresh baby calves, talk to her chicken and enjoy the stillness of farm life. The dairy has become a safe haven, a peaceful place. It feels like I'm back home.
Even though I'm 1500 miles away, taking some time for my heart to heal and for my mind to declutter, I find myself dreaming. Dreaming about all the possibilities for the farm, whether is stays on the land where it currently resides or it moves to new land. I dream of bringing in more animals, increasing the egg operation with more laying hens, establishing beautiful cottage style flower gardens and growing fresh food for the community. I dream of blending my love for the farm, my love for growing food, with my passion for flowers. I want to be in that sweet spot where the rustic nature of farm life meets the elegance of cutting flowers for a summer wedding bouquet. I dream of hosting friends for supper club and serving them fresh salad greens from the garden or crispy chicken parmesan or delicious rosemary pecan bars with herbs grown just ten feet from the dining table. I dream of a being a florist and farmer full-time, bringing flowers and food and joy to my community.
But how do you decide what's next? How do you decide when to take the leap of faith and quit your job, not knowing where your next paycheck will come from? My only justification is that the Lord knows.. He knows better than I do. Maybe the chaos of life was to point me back to Him. Maybe what I think of s weakness is really a strength He has instilled in me to persevere towards the plan He has set before me. Maybe leaving a life of comfort was exactly what I needed to realize that I must fully rely on the Lord for direction. It is not in my own strength that I will get through this valley. He will get me through.
People have asked me what's next... and to be brutally honest, I HAVE NO IDEA. I don't know if my plans to grow food and flowers from 1500 miles away from the farm will work. I don't know if my dreams and goals for my business will ever be accomplished. I don't know if my marriage will be reconciled or if healing in this time is preparation for moving on. I do know that God is good and even on the hardest of days, still I will rise. Still I will walk forward.
For now, I will enjoy the sunshine on my skin, the breathe in my lungs and the small joys He brings me every day.
Where does your joy come from?